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OK, honestly, I'm going to admit... I'm actually HAPPY with something I wrote! That hasn't happened since my dad died. It's so weird. I mean, I think back on when I used to be able to write, and I THOUGHT I was modest... but I really wasn't! OH MY GOD I WAS SUCH A BITCH! I thought I was the best at everything, especially English. Goddamn, no wonder I decided to change! Geeze. But back to the orignial topic. The story! I'm so happy. I'm not really certain why, because it's not particularly good or anything. But I really like it. There's only like thirteen or so pages so far. I have a lot of plot ideas, so hopefully I can pick one that makes sense with the overall idea I want to convey.
OK, um... that was really about it ^^;;; Sorry, I know that was kind of a waste of an LJ post, but... I just wanted to put it out there. <3


Reminder to self!!!!! Start doing manga file-dumps so you can SHARE the manga love... ^^

Just a check-up...

OMG!!! It's been so long since I last posted... I need to think better. Rearrange my brain ^^ Life can only get you so far before you stop being a blonde... Or in my case a color-confused brunette...

Let's see... What can I say?

I think senioritis is starting to hit our school really bad. Everyone I know is so excited to leave, and--apparently--they've been waiting for this ever since we first entered freshman year. Geeze, when we entered freshman year, I was happy just to read our little demonic Ross books. They made me so happy!!! I still like to look back on them and read some of the stuff I wrote. I don't mean to sound like some crazy stalker, but I kept everything we ever did in Ross' class from freshman and sophomore year. It's so much fun to look back and read things from when I used to be able to write...

I think I'm the only one in my class who's scared. I mean, deep-seated scared, not just the "oh, I know I'll do fine in college but I'm just a little anxious right now" scared that most people confess to feeling. I mean, I feel that too, but I'm really frightened, too. I can't help but think that I'll have nowhere to go if I flunk out of school because my mom will be too angry and disappointed to take me back... I don't know. Maybe that's just my brain realizing what the worst possible outcome is, but... nonetheless, I'm scared.

I'm scared of the boys, too. Isn't that the stupidest thing in the world to say...?! But it's true. I've never done very well around boys, especially boys I think are cute. I think it's because I went to ASA for too long: I've become used to a matriarchal society, and now I can't stand seeing the opposite gender... Haha wouldn't that be funny if it were true? I almost wish it were. Then I would have a valid excuse for going to an all-girls' school. And I would be able to parade what I know will be my non-existent love life. I mean, when you've got nothing, how can you be happier than in that one moment...? That's what someone told me once. I don't know. I think that line of reason has something missing, especially where it concerns love. But I don't think I'm one to talk of love.

Oh, that does remind me though: I've been communicating with Zak for a while now, again. It's cool. I wish I could have been this... helpful and outgoing to him when we were together. I still feel like I failed him a little bit , and that's why he moved away. Or maybe I unknowingly chased him away? I don't know. Like I said, I'm not too good with boys. I tried to ask Gwen once for advice, but it all seemed really MEAN to me! Like, "Ignore him and he'll pay attention to you", or something along those lines. I don't know, but I know for certain I wouldn't want somebody I thought was cute to ignore me! Or wait. Maybe it's best if they do... I mean, I'd probably just make a total ass out of myself if they ever talked to me... Yeah, I think that'd be best!! If they ignored me ^^ That way, I won't accidentally hurt their feelings!!! Oh, I'd feel so bad if I did that.

Wow! I have a lot to say about boys! I didn't realize I thought about him that much... Hmm. Wow. Okay. Well, I think I'll just put that topic aside for right now.

And on to the hard topics.

I wish I could help my friends more. I know Gwen's starting to get really anxious because she's only gotten rejection letters from her favorite schools--or, at least, she's acting somewhat anxious...--but I know there's nothing I can do to help, no matter what. I mean, what can I do? I mean, I could always try calling the schools and be like, "Gwen is an amazing person. You have no idea how many times she helped me out, like [...] and [...] ". If that would help her, or the situation, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I know it won't. At this point, it's just a waiting game... It just makes me wish she'd applied to schools a little earlier, so I would know she's gonna be safe and happy.

And Hanna. OMG Hanna. This poor girl's been through more heartache in a week than most people have felt in their entire lives!!! But again, there's nothing I can do... I can soothe and comfort her, and suggest courses of action, but... in the end, Taylor's the one who broke her heart, si he's the only one who can mend it. I hope he realizes that. If not, he's shattered a precious gem that I'm not certain will ever fully heal. I mean, to be told something like that... like that?! It was the most heartless way I've ever heard of something being done! And I wish there was more I could do for her, but I can't... I hope she at least realizes that if she ever needs to talk about it, or even just a shoulder to cry on, she can come to me. Same with Gwen. I want to badly to be there for both of them, but it's almost like the more I try to do for them, the farther they get away from me. I just hope they know I'm here for them.

Ooh, woah. I just realized how long this post is!!! Dammit! I didn't want to make this really long... Oh well. I'll live ^^ On the other hand, The Forbidden Kingdom is the funniest movie I've seen in a long time, and I am currently averaging half an hour of sleep a night because I'm downloading my download whore ass off!!!! ^^ I've gone from owning one anime to owning fifteen. I'm in the middle of Monster, an EXCELLENT series. If anybody like Death Note, you'll like Monster, too. Just a warning, though: Monster's a little more violent. Seriously. It's about a homicidal maniac in the 1940's. Pretty messed up. It kind of reminds me of Jack the Ripper a little bit...

Ah! Okay, I'll cut it short there! Again, sorry I made this so long. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! HAPPY 5-DAY WEEKEND SENIORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Access: Denied

I'm really tired and sort of angry, and I'm about to go on a major rant so anybody (this should be all of you) who doesn't want to hear a whole crock full of worthless complaints, stop reading here. But I think I need to do this. I need to get this out before it makes me explode.

I miss a lot of things that I never realized were important to me until they were gone. I think the premier among these is most likely my relationship with... let's call him "Rob"... and I know it's worthless to complain about it because I know that no matter how hard I try I can never fix it. I've tried, and failed miserably every time. And I know it's my own fault, on so many levels, but... that doesn't make the hurt any less. Actually. it makes it hurt more.

I miss being an underachiever. I know that sounds really odd, but... I do. Excellence--or even striving for excellence--has become so much a part of what people see in me that I'm not allowed to be cut any slack. My mom saw I got a proficient in French and freaked. It's like I've been so perfect (to her) or given it my all so much that... even if I let up for one moment, it becomes a matter of, "What it U of A finds out? What'll they do?! You'll lose all your scholarships and you'll be kicked out of school!!" And it's like, "Mom, you only need two years of a foreign language at school, and I passed my first two years of French with A+'s. Those are the years I sent in, remember?"

But no matter ho much I feel I have the situation under control, they always find some loopholes or ditch in the road that I missed that, A. makes me feel stupid for missing it and, B. makes me work twice as hard as I'm required to.

Even these stupid college classes I've been taking for the last couple of summers. I thought that my mom meant them in the best possible way--to give me a head-up at college, so I wouldn't have to go through all those stupid boring rudimentary courses--but I can't help but feel, for the last several months, that the reason she wanted me to take them was so that I'd get into college at all.

Like I'm not even good enough or smart enough or proficient enough to get into an in-state school. And coming from Arizona, that means a lot.

I miss my stress relievers. I miss Mr. Ross. I miss Ms. Colbert. I miss being secure enough to go to my friends about stupid shit like this.

But that's just the thing. It's so stupid, and they have enough going on... I don't want to bother them. And no matter how much they say they might want to hear this kind of stuff... I know that, sooner or later, if I really went to them for each and every little thing, they'd learn to hate me, too.

So, here's my dilemma: Do I make them hate me by saying too much? Or by staying silent?

Damn, I need a tissue... brb.

I miss ballet. I miss the cruelty of it. I miss knowing that the teacher thinks everyone else in the class sucks, too, so if you're given praise, it means twice as much. I miss feeling my body stretch and slide and work as one being. I miss that wholeness. I miss the sweat-soaked leotards and the buns so tight they made my scalp bleed. I miss the shoes that fit just right, so that it felt like you weren't even wearing shoes, that you're feet were that naturally beautiful.

I miss the bitchy, stressful teachers and the movements so hard and complicated your muscles felt like they were being wrenched out of your body. I miss the forceful "BANG!" that accompanies the end of each grande battement and the tightness in your stomach, from gravity, that comes with each flying tour jete.

I miss the unbiased judgment (cause everybody else was just as bad as you!). I miss knowing that every time I walked into a studio I'd be able to fly for just a little while, and that, even when I left, I could still always remember the feeling. There's nothing more indescribable than dance, I believe, because you don't have to think: your body and your natural emotions and reactions take over, and you're spirited away to this wonderful haze where all you can feel is your bones grinding with each step, your breath quickening as you leap faster and faster, your feet aching, your muscles stretching and reaching for the heavens. And, if you're lucky, they make it.

I miss all of this about ballet, and more. It's a feeling impossible to duplicate or describe.

I think the worst part is, I miss it this much, and yet I know that phase of my life where it was a part is over. I recently found out that I can't take ballet in college, and unless there's some really great dance studio down in Tucson... I'll probably never dance again.

And I think that's probably one of the things that's depressing me the most right now. I'm about to start a new phase in my life, and I'm very excited, but... I can't do half the things I wanted to. I always held back at certain things--well, a lot of things, actually-- because I always figured, "I'll be able to do it again in a couple of years. I can take it up again in college." But now I can't, and... I feel almost like a part of is being ripped away. Colleges always talk about the "freedom" with classes you can take, but... it isn't true. At least, not for me. I guess going into college with a degree, program, and major already picked out has its difficulties, huh?

Oh well. I think my biggest problem in life right now is that I'm dwelling in the past with all of this. I need to move on. Start anew. You know? I think.

I don't even know. My judgment's so messed up right now. I think it'll be easier once summer starts and I can concentrate only on college and friends.


quite possibly the cutest thing ever.

everything else is aixk next to it.

end. of. story.

ahhhh crap i knew it

Which Hogwarts House Would The Sorting Hat Place You In? (long questions with pictures)
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Hufflepuff

Congradulations! There's not a friendlier person out there than you, is there? You're in Hufflepuff, the hard working house, which means you actually get things done! You accept new people with a smile and are very friendly. You're extremely loyal to your family and friends, and you nearly always tell the truth. These are things people look for in a friend. Who cares if you don't win the house cup on a regular basis? You have loyalty and the trust of others, and that's what matters!










ok, i know this is an EXTREMELY worthless email to anyone who spends less than and hour per day on their computer, but... i just had to say it! i'm too happy!!!

I OFFICIALLY HAVE OVER 300 MANGA ON MY COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!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(/end crap)

Now, most of that is really from this weekend--about 175 of it's from the last 2 days--but nonetheless, I DID IT!!!

now, let's see how long it takes me to reach 500... ;P ;P ;PPPPP

LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! <3 <3 <3


Blonde joke

One of the best blonde jokes i've heard in a long time...

So a blonde walkes up to you and says, "What does 'idk' mean?"

You say, "I don't know."

She runs off screaming, "OMG NO ONE KNOWS!!!!!"

--haha <3 love ^^

<3 <3 <3